A Nun, A Singer, And A Pirate All Walk Into A Bar

The Singer Ducked.

Mommy Goes Postal October 06

Looks frighteningly similar, doesn't it?

I love my son. More than anything in the world, but he also has the ability to drive me right over the edge without even really trying.

From his swimming teacher, "He has a hard time listening, has good potential, but doesn't seem to want to improve".

From his school teacher, "He needs to be told over and over again to pay attention. He's very bright, but is easily distracted, and doesn't follow directions."

From the school guidance counselor, "Maybe he needs to see a new therapist."

From my priest, "And your son is the most go-with-the-flow of them all." Then, he sorta grimaced.

It brings me back to my entrance evaluation to Kindergarten, 31 years ago, "Amy is very bright, but manipulative and controlling." Wow, the apple sure didn't far from the tree here.

I never remember my mother being called into school because I was being disruptive in class. I've been in twice so far this year and it's only October.

So, when Jack showed up on Sunday night from his father's with none of his school project worked on (which was what he was supposed to do with his 4 days off) and his school work and planner missing, I kinda lost it.

Dave says I went nuclear. Todd said I just cost myself thousands for Jack in therapy bills.

Yes, I flipped out. But, after getting the 45 minute lecture from his teacher last Wednesday where she basically said, You Are A Sucky Mother With A Problem Child. I just lost it.

Don't get me wrong, when Jack turns in his work, he gets straight "A's", he just can't remember to turn anything in or write his name on his paper, or bring his homework home, or remember his planner, library books, spelling, brain...

So, therefore, Mommy lost it.

Jack is going to be going through 1st Reconciliation soon (ie, confession) so I tried the "when we do something wrong it effects everyone around us", and "Not listening is being disrespectful to your teacher and everyone else in the class", along with "Your behavior is very disappointing".

None of it has worked, so now it has come to this:

BE GOOD OR YOU WILL LOSE YOUR RIGHT TO ELECTRICITY.

I'll let you know how it goes.

An Open Letter to My Husband's Daughter

Dear Jessica,

I wish I knew how to tell you how important you have become to me over the past 3 and a half years. I wish I knew how to convey how I appreciate that we have become (dare, I say) friends, and that you have been able to trust me and depend on me in a way I know was extremely hard for you to do. You have had so many obstacles to overcome in your short life and then there I was, 6 foot Barbie/June, who never knows when to shut her mouth, getting pushed into your life.

Needless to say, the beginning was a bit rocky. But, we learned boundaries and you learned how to block me on IM.

I wish I could take away so much of what you have been through since you were little. I wish I could make the man you call "dad" be the person you wish he was.

I wish I could make the memories of your childhood less painful. It makes me so sad when I think of how it must have been for you growing up with your mother...and that other guy.

I wish there was a way I could make you healthy, take away the disease that continually ravages your body...and your spirit.

There are so many things you have taught me, such as, how to make rumaki, that carrot cake really is the best, that girls aren't so scary, that eyebrow waxes aren't just for everyone else, that pink is awesome, how much I like having a family member who loves to cook as much as me, and how much I wanted to have grandchildren.

Then, came Cupcake.

Cupcake didn't walk, she pranced, everywhere.

She was just the cutest ball of fuzzy black fur and, no, I never thought she looked like a bat. She was always so happy and loved to see everybody and travel everywhere. She loved Oscar and Ginger and she never knew she wasn't a wiener, too.

She was Nana's little girl and was always so well behaved when I took her out with me...something I could never do with Ginger Pye, she's a spaz when we go anywhere.

Yes, she leaked whenever she saw Grandpa for the first 6 months and had several "accidents" in the house. I never minded, she was too excited to stop playing and go outside...plus, she usually did it in Jack's room.

Cupcake was the best little dog, ever, and had the best disposition. It just is so sad that she had to be taken from you when she was so young. You deserved to have 10 more years with her.

Watching her get sick was the saddest thing I've ever seen. She just wanted to be the same perky Cupcake and she just couldn't do it anymore. It broke my heart.

I miss her and I am so sad that she can't be there for you..she always was there by your side when you were sick. The u/c, the chemo, the shoulder, she was always there to snuggle with you and stand guard.

Of all the things I wish I could change for you, I really wish you could have your precious Cupcake back, I know how much she did for healing your soul.

I can't turn back time and make things better for you in the past, but whatever I can do to help the future, whether it's making you waffles you hardly touch, painting your bedroom, or being nice to your dad for you so he'll make you a new headboard, I'm there in a heartbeat. Always.

I send this to you with all my love, as the Stepmonster.
And, if you start calling me mom, you're grounded.

Love,
Amy

I’ve Decided I’m A Masochist

There comes a time when you have been working out long enough on a regular basis where you do not want to kill yourself every time you get up at 5am to go to the gym.

I have decided I am finally there, and not just because it feels so good when I get in the car to go back home.

I took Friday off of work and the only thing I planned to do was run 3 miles and go to BodyPump class, where I was hoping to increase my weights by a few pounds and squat lower, lift higher, and not put my knees down during push ups.

Then, feeling tight and sore on Saturday, I thought, “Wow, I should take a yoga class to stretch out!” So, I ran another 3 miles and took a 75 minute Fitness Yoga II class.

What the hell is wrong with me?

Sunday, I was sore in places I never knew I had muscles. Yes, I had heard that the yoga teacher was hard-core, but I also knew she was 3+ months pregnant. I figured I could keep up with a pregnant woman.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA, stupid me.

Today, I only ran two and a half miles because my butt and thighs are still sore, but I got up and left at 5:30am for the gym.

I’m either insane, or it still feels so good when I get in the car and go back home.

Probably both.

I Love Being A Mom...

Amy: (singing) "John Jacob Jingle Heimer Schmidt, his name is my name, too. For, whenever we go out, we can hear the people shout, There Goes John Jacob Jingle Heimer Schimdt, La La La La La La..."

Jack: What are you singing, that song is terrible.

Amy: Don't you know it, yet? It's a classic. "John Jacob Jingle..

Jack: "Heimer Schmidt, his name is my name, too...

There are few things as rewarding as a parent as getting a crappy childhood song stuck in their child's head, so they can share it with their friends and infest another generation.

By the way...he was singing Conjuction Junction this afternoon....

Don't get me started on the busdriver song I taught him...something about greasy, grimey gopher guts...