Thursday Becky Homecky Advice Column

Out of pure stupidity and boredom, I have decided to grace the internet with my endless knowledge of all things I pretend to know about. We all have questions we don't know the answer to and I, as your fearless leader, and my panel of experts (read: other women I work with) will answer all of your questions regarding life, liberty, and the pursuit of clean laundry.

Now, I have been called Martha by my friends (until I found out what a skank she really is and burned all her books and cancelled my subscription to her magazine) and my loving family has a tendency to call me June (as in Cleaver, I think it was partly because of a dress I was wearing last Father's Day) so in my book, that gives me right to be deemed EXPERT. We are pretending, so play along.

With the help of some of my close and dear friends I give you the Thursday Becky Homecky Advice Column, Volume 1.

Dear Amy,
How do I make a good Mocha?
Your Loyal Fan,
J

Dear J,
We are going to assume you are not driving to your favorite coffee shop and you are trying to accomplish this great feat at home.
First of all, you need an espresso machine, you can use a regular coffee maker, but it lacks the, shall we say, glamour and excitement of a real frothing, noisy, counter hogging piece of machinery we all have come to know and hate.
Secondly, you need decent coffee. Espresso is made with a dark roast, so find your favorite, try to have it as fresh as possible, and grind it very fine. No big chunkies in it, either, because that's just icky.
I use Nesquik, yes the bunny stuff. 2 HEAPING TABLESPOONS or more, it's cheap, and keeps in the cupboard for months. Froth your milk by filling the frothing pitcher only half full, tilt the pitcher slightly, and try to froth the edges and get the milk spinning. Test the heat by feeling the bottom of the pitcher. Since it's all about sequences, it goes, Quik, espresso, and my secret ingredient a drop of Mexican vanilla, mix together, then add your delightfully frothy milk.
Now, if I was doing this for a special occasion (and I can only come up with bridal and baby showers), and not for daily consumption, I would use the expensive chocolate syrup, and whipping cream, with only a small amount of milk. This will give you a uber-rich mocha that makes your mouth sing and your love handles flop up over the top of your pants.
Good luck.

Dear Amy,
How can I keep my pets from shedding all over the floor?
Your Favorite Libra

Dear Libra,
Shave them.

She didn't like that answer, so she refined the question:

How come I can sweep, then swiffer, and still have hair globs on the floor when I mop?

We went round and round with this one. I am a firm believer in the power of the vacuum...and make sure yours sucks like a cheap whore. Gross, but true. Start at a doorway and work your way through the room, keeping the expelling air toward the clean parts as much as possible. Then use your hose to get into the corners and under the furniture. I can get my upstairs vacuumed in 15 minutes, 25 if I have to vacu-dust along the way. It's the best thing for your floors, since so many of us have hardwood and the sand and grit that gets hauled in on our shoes this time of year is murder on our shiny beautiful floors. Remember, it's not about being perfect, it's just about getting it DONE so you can get on with your life. Reward your hard work with a hot toddy or maybe even a MOCHA!

Thanks for tuning in to the first ever Becky Homecky Advice Column, and stay tuned for more expert advice on all things I deem interesting enough to write about.

If you have a question you would like me to answer (anything is fair game), email me at amyswenson@gmail.com I promise to keep everyone anonymous.

Have a great weekend!